aerin elisabeth

When I take time off, I have a problem actually doing just that. I’m a planner, and the planner in me has trouble doing nothing for too long. I want to be working on something, and my brain justifies that because it’s not work (read: current paying job) related, it’s not “work” and therefore is game when I should be doing more leisurely activities that don’t require a lot of brain function. 

So my goal for the next vacation I take will be to read a lot, write (by hand) a lot, sleep a lot, and daydream. Maybe do a little cooking. Those are about as leisurely as I can manage. I’m thinking I should create a running list of books I’d like to read. Where I have a big-girl-job now, I can take whole weeks at a time for vacation, so I could get a lot of reading done in that time. This list should be semi-long. 

So. Suggestions?

I spent most of today watching terrible television. Some sundays are perfect for that. One of the terrible things I watched gave me a little inspiration, however, which is never a bad thing. 

“When you’re young, everything feels like it’s the end of the world. But, it’s not.” 

Most people who read that will think “duh.” But don’t deny that you know exactly how the first part of that statement feels. Everything was the end of the world. The F on your math test. The date to the dance you wanted but couldn’t get. The girl that didn’t even know you existed. Every little instance was life altering and life threatening. And then, you begin to grow. Little by little, literally month by month, once you hit 18 you begin to understand more about the world than you ever anticipated. 

Every high school relationship that ended for me was a sob-fest. I’d wallow in self pity and I’d listen to sad music, as I’m sure most people did. Granted, I was smart enough to mostly date outside of my high school, so I didn’t have to go through the extra torture of seeing the dude every day, but it was still pretty painful. 

And then college came and went, and break ups were equally depressing, but for a much shorter period of time. It’s almost like my brain was hurt, but it pieced everything together and realized I was better off. 

I was also a watcher. I watched all my friends and took mental notes of their screw ups and the things they did to piss their boyfriends off. I made sure I would never make those mistakes. I did my best never to be catty or clingy or prissy. But one thing I always swore to myself was that if and when I was in a new relationship, I would never drop my friends for him. If I had plans with them, I would keep them. I would see if he could come along, perhaps, but I would never bail just because I’d rather make out with the guy I was dating. I was so hurt when my friends did the same, and I never wanted to be like that.

And then true adulthood hits. Bills, rent, 9-5, student loan payments.  Everyone around you is pairing off, getting married and having children of their own. It’s still a little surreal, but you understand. You want that for yourself, too. So sometimes, you have to spend a little extra time away from your pals to cultivate a relationship to last a lifetime. And when you love your friends like your family, that can be difficult. But once you find the right person, it becomes more than worthwhile.